Is Divorcing a Narcissist Hard? 

 Posted on September 11, 2024 in Divorce

With the exception of couples who completely agree not only that they should get divorced but also on every aspect of their divorce, most people struggle with divorce and the changes it brings. However, some divorces are distinctly more difficult than others. Contested divorces involving high net worth individuals, allegations of spousal or child abuse, or accusations of infidelity tend to see a lot of anger and conflict between couples. These divorces can take longer and be more challenging to resolve.

Even without any of these issues, however, there is one particular personality characteristic that tends to make divorce extremely difficult: Narcissism. People who are married to narcissists often delay divorce long after the relationship has soured simply because they know triggering such a huge fight will only make things worse. Nevertheless, narcissism, in combination with other personality traits, can make staying married pretty miserable, and - especially if the narcissism is accompanied by abuse or neglect - staying married can be much worse in the long run.

If this sounds familiar to you, it is important to know that many people have successfully divorced narcissists and moved on with their lives. With the help of an Illinois divorce attorney who understands this challenging set of behaviors, you can get the help you need to get a fair divorce decree.

Is My Spouse a Narcissist? 

There are concerns that more people than ever are showing narcissistic traits. This is particularly interesting because it suggests that, at least for many people, narcissism is a learned behavior rather than an innate personality trait. Some researchers have suggested that the increase in narcissism began in the last 60s during the rise of the self-esteem movement, but that narcissism truly exploded when front-facing cameras and social media became ubiquitous.

Something about broadcasting our best lives for everyone to see seems to have given many of us an overinflated sense of self-importance. This has perhaps been exacerbated by parenting styles that seek to emphasize to children how important and special they are, regardless of whether those children do anything to merit such praise. Because smartphones, social media, and indulgent parenting are not going anywhere anytime soon, we should expect that narcissism will not greatly improve, either.

Specifically, narcissistic behaviors include: 

• An overblown sense of self-importance 
• A lack of empathy for others 
• A need for constant admiration 
• Envy about others' lifestyles
• A sense of entitlement 
• Seeking friends who are perceived as important or special 
• Aggressively seeking influence, power, and success 
• A willingness to use other people for personal gain 
• Arrogance 

Everybody sometimes shows behaviors that are sometimes associated with narcissism. When people occasionally brag, make themselves the center of attention, or dismiss others to try to look better, it does not necessarily indicate narcissism. With narcissists, these behaviors are consistent and severe and make relationships with others very difficult.

You may not have known that your spouse had behaviors that could be labeled as narcissistic, but you can probably tell from reading this list whether your spouse is likely to be a narcissist. Being married to a narcissist is very difficult, and you may have been wondering whether it is like this for everyone or whether you are in a unique situation.

Rest assured that not all marriages involve spouses exclusively focused on themselves. Successful marriages require two people willing to make sacrifices and compromise to help each other be happy and fulfilled. They involve respect, honesty, and a willingness to communicate in good faith, without manipulation. If any of these traits sound familiar, tread carefully. You can certainly get divorced and have a better life, but it is important to understand how narcissists tend to behave during divorce and what you may need to do to protect your interests.

How Do Narcissists Make Divorce Harder? 

Interestingly, while narcissists often appear to be extremely confident, their grand behaviors most often cover up insecurity and fragility. Narcissists struggle to deal with situations that threaten their heightened sense of self-importance, and there is hardly anything more threatening than divorce.

When someone decides to leave their spouse, it is a fundamental rejection of that person. Not only is the spouse filing for divorce saying, "I do not want to be married to you anymore," they are also saying, "You specifically are not the kind of person who is good to be married to," implicitly or otherwise. For a narcissist who believes themself to be uniquely special, beautiful, intelligent, or talented, this is a rejection that is too much to bear. Rather than examine their behavior for flaws, a narcissist will further retreat within their ego during divorce.

This results in several ugly behaviors that can make divorce very hard for everyone. Behaviors that we often see in narcissists during divorce include: 

• An inflated sense of entitlement when it comes to marital property 
• Lashing out at their spouse, making everything viciously personal 
• Negotiating over tiny things that were never important to the narcissist before the divorce 
• Using the children as tools to seek revenge on a spouse rather than putting the children's needs first 
• Turning friends and extended family members against their spouse 
• Making false accusations about abuse or infidelity or trying to cover up their bad behaviors in these areas 

Even after divorce, narcissists often struggle to let go of the fact that they have been rejected. Rather than simply letting the relationship end and moving on with their lives, they will often obsess over their ex and do things to try to get attention - even if that attention is negative. Narcissists often try to modify custody, child support, or alimony orders over trivial changes. They may also try to alienate minor children from their other parent by badmouthing the parent and finding excuses for limiting shared parenting time.

Divorcing a Narcissist When You Share Children

All parents of minor children need to create a parenting plan that covers important aspects of sharing children after divorce. These parenting plans are meant to be made with the children's best interests in mind. Narcissists, however, have a hard time focusing on what is best for others; this is especially true for those who are willing to use children as a tool for getting back at a spouse after divorce.

Narcissists may attempt to portray themselves as the perfect parent while undermining the other parent's efforts, all in a bid to "win" the best custody arrangement. They may ignore the children's best interests and instead focus on engaging in behaviors that escalate conflict, confuse the children, or create instability. Having an attorney is especially critical in these situations, as they can help you navigate the legal complexities of child custody and ensure the focus remains on the children's well-being rather than the narcissist's self-serving tactics.

Common tactics narcissists use to control the outcome of a child custody agreement include:

• False accusations: They may falsely accuse the other parent of neglect, abuse, or unfitness to influence the court's perception.
• Parental alienation: Narcissists often attempt to turn the children against the other parent by badmouthing them or making them feel guilty for spending time with the other parent.
• Manipulating court proceedings: They may lie or manipulate facts to make themselves appear more favorable and responsible than they truly are.
• Using the children as bargaining tools: Narcissists might use custody or visitation rights as leverage to negotiate favorable financial terms or control the other parent.
• Creating instability: They may frequently change visitation schedules or create confusion to disrupt the children's routines, making it harder for the other parent to provide a stable environment.

Why is Having a Lawyer So Important When Divorcing a Narcissist Spouse? 

If you are worried that your spouse may be a narcissist and will sabotage your efforts at an amicable divorce, you should lawyer up as soon as possible. Having an attorney when divorcing a narcissist is essential because narcissists tend to manipulate both their partners and the legal system to maintain control.

They often use tactics like gaslighting, refusing to cooperate, or dragging out the divorce process to create unnecessary conflict and stress. Without a lawyer, it can be difficult to stand up to these behaviors, which can make divorce longer and result in unfair settlements. Narcissists will often try to make things so complicated that their spouse simply gives up and gives in to whatever the narcissist is asking for.

An attorney provides a protective barrier between you and the narcissist, ensuring that your rights are safeguarded and helping you avoid being drawn into confrontations. Additionally, a skilled attorney will be familiar with the strategies narcissists use and can anticipate potential issues before they escalate.

Other reasons to hire an attorney when divorcing a narcissist include:

• Protection from manipulation: A narcissist may try to control or manipulate the process, making it difficult to negotiate fairly on your own.
• Legal expertise: An attorney understands the law and can protect your rights throughout the divorce proceedings.
• Objective advice: With emotions running high, having a legal professional can help you stay focused on the facts and your long-term goals.
• Efficient resolution: Attorneys can help prevent delays and unnecessary conflict, which narcissists often create to prolong the process.
• Advocacy for fair settlements: A lawyer will fight for a fair division of assets, child custody arrangements, and other critical outcomes.

Should You Use Divorce Mediation if Your Spouse is a Narcissist? 

Divorce mediation can be a great way to avoid conflict by using negotiation and a third-party mediator to help resolve differences. Mediation is so effective that judges in Illinois will often require spouses who are filing for a contested divorce to attend mediation before allowing the case to proceed to litigation. Very few divorce cases in Illinois still go through the kind of hostile, protracted courtroom fights that people stereotypically associate with divorce.

However, when it comes to divorcing a narcissist, mediation can be a bad idea. Because mediation requires both parties to at least try to work together in good faith, it can be very easy for a narcissist to take advantage of mediation. Narcissists have often learned to be charming when it serves their needs; it can be easy for a narcissist to try to come off as an easygoing, friendly, good-looking person in front of a mediator, and then once the mediator's guard is down, ruthlessly pursue their objectives without any regard for their spouse or their children. Narcissists are also willing to be manipulative and dishonest, making it very hard to trust that what they agree to in one mediation session will continue to subsequent sessions.

If you already know your spouse is likely to sabotage negotiation efforts, you should tell your attorney right away. Sometimes, the best strategy for divorcing a narcissist is giving them as few opportunities as possible to try to manipulate the outcome, and a courtroom trial may be the best way to do this. Your attorney will work with you to develop a safe, strategic approach to your divorce that tries to protect you and your children from your narcissistic spouse's destructive behaviors.

Call Our DuPage County, IL Divorce Attorneys

Divorcing a narcissist is, without a doubt, more difficult than divorcing someone with a healthy sense of self-awareness and self-esteem. At Weiss-Kunz & Oliver, LLC, we understand personality disorders and have helped many people divorce narcissistic spouses and move on with life. We will fight passionately for your rights and do whatever it takes to ensure you have a fair divorce decree. Call us today at 312-605-4041 to schedule an initial attorney meeting with one of our experienced, aggressive Elmhurst, IL divorce lawyers.